Effective Parenting by Dr. Phillip Koh dated 15.9.15

Introduction

Story of a British-Pakistani man who married a Malaysian wife and they had a daughter who went to Oxford University at age 13 years. Her father boasted of his parenting style. He banned her from TV, forced her to study with little heat during winter and inflicted physical and emotional abuses on her. His daughter dropped out from university, got married and divorced in two years and finally became a prostitute.  How tragic!

What went wrong in the father’s parenting style?

An authoritarian approach, too domineering, too harsh, marginalization of father daughter relationship, obsessive with academic results.

From Dr. Koh’s experiences in training, he found that a majority of problems children have broken parents.

Four major parenting styles:

                                                            High concern for relationship 

High Concern for Control   Low Concern                                                                                                                    for Control       

Low concern for relationship

Authoritative – a balanced person

Permissive – A spoilt brat

Authoritarian – an angry rebel

Neglectful – an attention seeker               

Dr. Koh explained the permissive style by using Eli’s case in 1 Samuel 2: 17, 22,23,24,27.28.29, 30, 31,34.  Basically Eli did not each his sons well, and he allowed them to do what they like.  E.g V.17    “This sin of the young men was very great in the LORD’s sight, for they were treating the LORD’s offering with contempt.”  His sons were also in moral as they slept with the women at the entrace of the tent V.” Now Eli, who was very old, heard about everything his sons were doing to all Israel and how they slept with the women who served at the entrance to the tent of meeting.”   Eli rebuked his sons but they did not listen to him.  God asked Eli why he did not follow His instructions V 29 “ Why do you[a] scorn my sacrifice and offering that I prescribed for my dwelling? Why do you honour your sons more than me by fattening yourselves on the choice parts of every offering made by my people Israel?’ God punished Eli and his family V.30, 31, 34. His relatives will die during prime of their lives.  His two sons died on the same day!

HOW DO WE CARRY OUT AN AUTHORITATIVE APPROACH TO PARENTING?               

Note that authoritative and authoritarian parenting styles are not the same.   In authoritative style, the parents are strict with their children and yet loving them.  In authoritarian style it is above strict discipline and do not care about the feelings of the children.

There are three fundamental components: 

     1.       Submission to parental authority

Ephesians 5 & 6 spelt out the various relationships between parties.

Husband and wife ( 5:21-33)

This is an equal relationship.

Parents and children ( 6:1-4)

Parents have authority over the children, so unequal here.

Master and slaves ( 6:5-9)

Master have authority over the slaves.

      2.       Parents to be role model

Only than they will command respect from the children.  Respect has to be earned and not imposed on the children.  What the parents do in private and in public must be the same.  Otherwise the children will be able to detect these behaviours if they are different. 

      3.       A proper discipline of children

Parents to use Biblical teaching – Ephesians 6:4 b.”Fathers,[a] do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

Meaning to teach the children Godly ways, and to instruct and teach them according to the Bible.

Conclusion

What is the most fundamental principle we can learn today?

KEY PRINCIPLE IN PARENTING

John 15:14-15

14 You are my friends if you do what I command you. 15 No longer do I call you servants,[a] for the servant[b] does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.

HAVE YOU OBSERVED HOW PERSONAL AND RELATIONAL IS THE GOD OF THE BIBLE?

THROUGH JESUS, THE CREATOR GOD HAS CALLED US TO BE HIS FRIENDS!

PARENTS NEED TO REFLECT GOD’S RELATIONAL ATTRIBUTE IN PARENTING

   - a deep emotional bonding with 

     children is of paramount importance.

   *  A deep yearning for emotional intimacy exists in all human beings…

High control or discipline in parenting without relational closeness is a recipe for disaster!

APPLICATION:

For Christian parents, do you and I employ authoritative parenting to build a close relationship with our children, and also to institute a proper discipline at the same time?

A WIDER APPLICATION OF GOD’S RELATIONAL ATTRIBUTE

Hebrews 10:24-25:

24 And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

Do You And I Take The Initiative To Have More Fellowship With One Another?